UNILAG HOUR OF LAUGHER 2
Jokes to crack your ribs. Have fun!
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Small Town Witness
A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."
Dumb Nigerian Questions and Their Answers
1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:
- Are you sleeping?
- What’s your answer?
- No! I’m training to die
2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:
- need to be fixed?
- No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought it over for a ride.
3. When it’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask:
- Are you going out inside this rain?
- No, in the next one.
4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you:
- Are you Awake?
- No. Going back to bed!
5. Your friend calls your home:
- Where are you?
- At news café! I brought my House over!
6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:
- Did you take your bath?
- No, I swam in the bath!
7. You are standing right in front of the elevator from the ground floor and they ask:
- Going up?
- No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come get me.
8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:
- Flowers?
- No baby! Carrots.
9. You’re in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking:
- Is anyone in there?
- No! The shit is talking to you!
10. You head straight to bank with a cheque ready to get money:
-Then the lady asks you, in cash?
- No, in clips and plastics!
Jokes to crack your ribs. Have fun!
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and much cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Small Town Witness
A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a respectful, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. Quickly jumping in, the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your asses in jail for contempt."
Dumb Nigerian Questions and Their Answers
1. When people see you lying down, with your eyes closed they still ask:
- Are you sleeping?
- What’s your answer?
- No! I’m training to die
2. Imagine when you take an electronic equipment to a technician to get it fixed and he still asks you:
- need to be fixed?
- No, it got bored of staying home alone so I brought it over for a ride.
3. When it’s raining and someone notices you going out, they ask:
- Are you going out inside this rain?
- No, in the next one.
4. When you wake up, then comes an idiot asking you:
- Are you Awake?
- No. Going back to bed!
5. Your friend calls your home:
- Where are you?
- At news café! I brought my House over!
6. They see you wet coming from the bathroom:
- Did you take your bath?
- No, I swam in the bath!
7. You are standing right in front of the elevator from the ground floor and they ask:
- Going up?
- No, no, I am waiting for my apartment to come get me.
8. Your boyfriend comes to your house with a bunch of flowers. And you still ask him:
- Flowers?
- No baby! Carrots.
9. You’re in the toilet when someone knocks on the door asking:
- Is anyone in there?
- No! The shit is talking to you!
10. You head straight to bank with a cheque ready to get money:
-Then the lady asks you, in cash?
- No, in clips and plastics!
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